After I got out of prison I couldn’t manage to hold down a job for very long. I had turned away from God and I was angry. I was angry at everyone and everything I came into contact with; I was angry with myself and most importantly I was angry at God.
I did a pretty good job of hiding it all until I felt backed into a corner. That is when I would let it all out. Most of the time it was just words but there were a lot of times it would become physical. I would use my words to belittle the person or people I felt under attack by. This, most of the time, would make them back off and leave. If that didn’t work then I wasn’t afraid to take it to the next level and that was to become violent. It didn’t matter who you were, big or small, one person or a crowd, civilian or law enforcement, man or woman. I had so much anger and rage trapped inside that I couldn’t deal with it. Adding alcohol and drugs to the equation only amplified the problem.
Sure after I would “come down” from the anger and rage induced high, I would feel guilty. I would feel pain for the people affected. I would then just push that down deep inside with everything else. I had taught myself that emotions like pain, fear, sadness and stuff like that were only for weak people. Not realizing I was only compounding the problem.
The feelings were filling up. It was becoming difficult to keep them inside. This led to more drinking. Drinking made them go away, so I had deceived myself. I had tried the “anger management” classes. I actually had one job that made me go. It was a real good job that I lost because I quit going to the classes.
I had come to a point where I decided that it was just how I was and that I would always be that way. Oh but the power of Jesus! Jesus and His Salvation is the only working “anger management” that I know. Giving my life to Him, my whole life, is what I have found works. Every day He is working on me and changing the way I see things. He’s changing the way I see other people, myself and most importantly God.
Does this mean I don’t have moments of anger? No not at all. There have been moments in the past almost 4 years that I’ve lashed out. The funny thing about those times, looking back, is that I was walking in my flesh; I was doing it my way. If you know me at all, my way hasn’t worked very well.
I am not proud of the person I was before Jesus. I’ve done a lot of bad things. I am so very thankful for the new man that Jesus is making me into. It won’t change the past, but it does change today and tomorrow. I understand that a lot of the people that my actions have affected haven’t and may never forgive me but I am sorry just the same. Some people will always see me for who I was in the past and that is ok. I can’t change them, I can only do me. And the me I chose to do and be is a man in pursuit of my Risen Savior Jesus!
I have learned that true and authentic “anger management” can only be found in the renewing of your mind in the Risen Lord Jesus. Romans 12:2 “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”
I pray everyone has a very blessed day! Trust in Jesus and find the peace we all long for.
In Christ alone