Today is one of those days where doubt is trying it’s best to just beat me into the ground. Not doubt as in doubt of or about God. More like doubt in myself. Where I’m now as to where I think I should be.
I have never doubted God’s love, grace and mercy. Where I struggle at times is doubt about myself. My mind inserts doubtful thoughts like “have I really left my past in the past? Is that really what I heard God speak to me? Have I missed the moment of opportunity? Has God chosen someone else to fulfill what I was asked to do?”
I know that God can and has forgive me of my sins, but have I forgiven myself? I’m not really sure that the answer to that question is yes? I also don’t think that there is a “gray area”. I know that there are only two correct answers and that is either a yes or a no. I think in that aspect of my life it hasn’t changed. Instead of addressing the issues so I can forgive myself, I suppress them. Doing this in fear of the pain that may or may not come by confronting them.
As I have stated so many times before, there are things in my past that I am not proud of. There are things that I’ve done, not only to myself but to others as well, that were just plain evil. As I allowed the world to consume me, I didn’t care about what would happen next. I only cared about the here and now. I didn’t care what effect the things might have on my future or on others; it was about the moment.
As I type this I am reminded that this is a battle. Paul tells us in Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
Like any real battle there will be times of intense conflict. There will be times where it seems there is no clear outcome. I am at war, WE are at war, with a force that has been at this a lot longer than we have. The devil and his goons have been at this since they were removed from heaven. They are better at it then we are. And the truth is, we can’t fight this war on our own. We will lose. That is why Ephesians verses 13 to 28 are so important. By following the directions given by Paul in these next few verses, we bring God into the fight. We bring God into the war to fight on our behalf.
As I sit and type this, I can see the transition from when the Spirit gave me the revelation of the armor of God. I was trying to fight this on my own. I was trying to do it under my own power and authority. I was losing! I could feel depression creeping on.
The Blood of Jesus saves us from our sins, saves us from ourselves. But there is so much more than the acceptance of Jesus. There is so much more after the prayer of salvation. That is when the war really starts. As we draw closer to God, the more He resonates in our lives. The more we seek Him, the more our life reflects Him to the world. This in turn declares war on our enemy and the battle intensifies. We must be on guard and we must be suited up in God’s Armor or we have no chance to stand in the fight.
Maybe this is you. Maybe you have reached a point where it feels the pressure is too much to bare. This is where you have reached the end of yourself. This is where the growth really begins if you take the right steps. If you heed Paul’s advice in Ephesians then this is where everything must be handed over to God and you suit up. You press on in the strength and power found in Him. Sure, it may be a slow walk or even a crawl but you must keep moving forward. You must press on. This is where strength is built, this is where endurance is achieved. Not in yourself, but you learn to feed off God. The strength and endurance to overcome can only be found in Him.